雅思作文你来写我来改【第四期】
编辑点评：雅思考试中写作部分是很难提高的，需要我们在平时中去收集，锻炼，现在看看名师对我们沪友的写作指导吧！
小编在之前收集到了5篇沪友写作的雅思小作文，并由上海环球雅思学校首席写作主讲季春桦老师为大家修改作文！
环球雅思季春桦老师的简介：
•季春桦 环球雅思写作、阅读主讲
多年从事雅思教学工作，曾多年获得优秀老师称号。擅长捕捉雅思考试动态，对雅思应试技巧有自己独特的见解。尤其以短期迅速帮助学生突破雅思学习瓶颈为特长。
【风格】以“精、准、快”为特色，课堂信息量大，善于融会贯通。
【经历】多年雅思教学经验，英语语言文学专业
沪江网雅思频道访谈之雅思作文名师修改
题目：
It can be seen from the first pie chart that the energy is used for four purposes. Specifically, industry and transportation accounts for the largest proportion(41%) of the used energy while demand of transportation makes up 26% of the total need of energy. The Residential and commercial represent 19% and 14% respectively.
According to the second pie chart, it clearly shows that heating and air conditioning account for the largest proportion (62%) in the residential energy use while the small appliances makes up the least proportion (10%). The heating water and miscellaneous ( including cooking) constitutes 15% and 13% respectively.环球雅思名师季春桦老师：这篇文章条理还是很清楚的,但是在第二段的开始有连接词使用过多的问题,原本第二段的一开始是 “Then it can be seen….”这里的Then没有必要使用,并且第二和第三段的句型过于一致,缺少丰富性,这在一定程度上会影响分数.
沪友“nzxin0908”的作文：
The two pie charts show the energy use in the United States. And the second chart is one part of the first chart.
It is not surprising that the largest energy use in the United States is Industry, accounting for 41 percent .Transportation is the next largest one, 15 percent lower than Industry. By contrast, Residential and Commercial make up a small percentage of total energy use, which are 19 percent and 14 percent respectively.
Among the four major use of the Residential energy are Small Appliances, Heating and Air Conditioning, Heating water, Miscellaneous. The largest use of the Residential energy is Heating and Air Conditioning. And Small Appliances, Heating water, Miscellaneous make up a small percentage, which are 10 percent, 15 percent , 13 percent, individually.环球雅思名师季春桦老师：本文写得还是可以的,如果想要进一步提高分数的话,那就请注意,从句并不是最佳的选择,可以用一些分词结构来增加句子的紧凑感.
沪友“dididada0522”的作文：
The two charts illustrate the division of energy use in the United States and particularly, that of residential energy use.
The first chart reflects that in the U.S., 41% of its energy is contributed to Industry, which is over twice that used for Residential, and then 19% is for Transportation Use and 14% is spent on Commercial Use.
Focusing on residential energy use, the second chart points out that 62% of its share in the whole U.S. energy use are used for heating and air condition. While 15% is used for heating water, 13% for miscellaneous (including cooking) and only 10% for small appliances. From the large gap between the max and min, it can be seen that heating and air conditioning plays a paramount role in domestic energy use.
To sum up, energy-saving is of great benefit to everyone and what we need is to pay our own share of contribution of saving energy.
环球雅思名师季春桦老师：本文整体情况还是不错的，就是最后一句话令人有点费解。
沪友“guozhishy”的作文：
The first pie chart shows us the energy use situation in the United States. The pie is divided into four parts which stand for the percent of energy use in industry use, transportation use, residential use and commercial use.
Nearly half of the U.S.ENERGY USE, accurately 41%, is for industry use and it also takes the most part (26%) is for transportation, 19% is for residential energy use, and the smallest part is commercial use which takes 14%.
Here also gives the detail percent in residential energy use through a second pie chart. Nearly two thirds of the residential energy use (62%) is used for heating and air conditioning , which takes the most part. Heating water takes 15% of residential energy use, ranking behind heating and air conditioning. Miscellaneous use (Including cooking) and small appliances separately take 13% and 10% of residential energy use.环球雅思名师季春桦老师：本文情况比较特殊,主要是缺少开头段,并且标点符号要注意正确地添加和使用.
沪友“chenli423”的作文：
The following two pie charts show that the largest part of US Energy Use's lies in industry, while Heating and Air Conditioning possesses the first place in Residential Energy Use.
From the first pie chart we can obviously see that Industry is the most important energy consumer in US States, possessing 41% in whole energy use. Next is Transportation, proportion is 26%.The proportion of residential use is 19% , comparatively small, but still 5% larger than Commercial's percentage.
When it comes to the pie chart of residential energy use, we can find out there is a great imbalance in proportion. The largest part is Heating and Air Conditioning, possessing 62%, more than a half. The rest of energy use is spent on Heating water. Miscellaneous (including cooking) and Small Appliances are relatively close, showing a decreasing trend. Their respective percentage is 15% , 13% and 10%.
对我们沪友作文的修改！
| 雅思备考 |
| A类业余雅思6分复旦强化班 | ￥2980 | 麦考瑞英语 |  |
|
| 圣约翰5.5分超越班 | 全日制 | ￥3600 | 圣约翰语言培训中心 |  |
| A类雅思寒假复旦半封闭冲刺班 | ￥3680 | 麦考瑞英语 | |
|
| 雅思一年制 | 全日制 | ￥19520 | 昂立托福雅思中心 | |
| 雅思基础 | 其他班 | ￥3750 | 昂立托福雅思中心 | |
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