雅思作文你来写我来改【第六期】

沪江网雅思频道访谈之雅思作文名师修改

题目：

My Dear Friend,

I'm very glad that you had a baby. So (应该合成一句话，改为“, so”) I have a surprise for you .It's a little doll .I hope your child would like it. I'm not a mother, so I don't know what present to give you is the best. It is a little hello kitty doll, the hello kitty (两个句子不能直接用逗号连接，最好变成一个定语从句which) is smiling and dancing. It wears pink dresses (dress) and white dance shoes .It is very beautiful. I will bring the gift the next time I visit you .You know, I must work in weekends. So (应该合成一句话，改为“, so”) I will come to visit you the（去掉） next Friday. （这句话又出现so,前面已经用过了，最好改个句型，变成原因状语从句就更好了。You know, since I must work in weekends, I will come to visit you next Friday.） Is that time available? If it is not, please write to me to let me know .Then we can make the visit to (去掉) another day. How is your husband? Please say hi to your husband (前面提到的，用代词即可him) for me!

Best Wishes,

Jing

Dear april（名字第一个字母大写，改成April）,

I can't believe that you are now a mother. Congratulations.

April, you are my best friend. And (and 不能最好不要放句首，不正规的写法，改成“, and”) I want to send some useful presents (搭配奇怪，最好换成pretty或者lovely) to your baby and you. However, you know, I have not been(去掉) married, and I have not enough experiences for it. Fortunately, my sister and my mother gave me some advice. Then, I decided to choose a basket of fresh eggs and a red bellyband for your baby and you（啰嗦，去掉）. These fresh eggs come from my hometown where laying—hens（改成hens） are fed with natural foods. I wish that these eggs would be good for your health. And the red bellyband is Chinese style. I wish that your lovely baby would like it.

When will your baby and you come back from the hospital? I can't wait to see your new arrival! Again, congratulations to you.

yours

Lily

昂立教育托雅专职教师黄蓝丹老师：Jun 18.2008 (日期位置不对，换到右上角) 
评语：缺少了“suggest a possible time to visit your friend and give her the present”这个部分，表达有点啰嗦，词语搭配有些不恰当。